This blog won’t be striving for individuality. In fact, this blog will refrain from shamelessly gloating about the expensive items that escorts buy; a subject so grossly talked about in elite escort journals. I’m referring to cringeworthy fashion bloggers posting instagram pictures of Cartier bracelets or bunches of flowers with the caption ‘BAE’ : idiots.
I am an elite escort, yes I am expensive, but what I do with my money, I do not wish to disclose. However, I am willing to list some of the honest perks of this cement-cake industry layered with cream cheese frosting…
FACT 1) A man will do just about anything when he’s in heat, so when you enter a hotel like the Monastero Santa Rosa, you must make the most of the situation ladies. Try and be an original chick and don’t head for the LP in the ice bucket. Ask to order something from the taster menu. One day when you are sitting in a mother’s meeting divulging in tedious conversation about breastfeeding, you can wow everyone with your knowledge on scrambled eggs and the version you ate in a luxury hotel in Africa whisked with the milk of a wet nurse.
FACT 2) When a client cannot ‘stand to the occasion’, it’s not your fault. Long are the days of uni where gossip would spread like impetigo and the next morning, you are considered the girl who cannot even turn a horny spotty nerdy freshman on. Oh no! More money means more problems, and if a businessman cannot perform, he will immediately link it to recent off-shore investigations or the fact that he just found out his Latvian mistress is pregnant. Don’t forget to be self-deprecating and ask ‘It it me?’ to which a person of that stature would have garnered enough emotional intelligence at this point in his life to say, ‘No hunny, you are just perfect’.
FACT 3) Remember when our parents bestowed us with the golden advice that ‘if you can count your friends on one hand…ya de dah’, you know it. The best thing about escorting is that you literally disappear on a level that even Salman Rushdie cannot fathom. You literally cleanse your circle without feeling guilty. Sure, they may all be bitching about how rude you are to just vanish, or whether you have been kidnapped by the YMCA but it’s so much better than them knowing the truth. You get to a stage that you are so scared of people ever catching on, that you reconcile that you will probably buy loads of cats for company.
FACT 4) You know who the golden friends are. If you are smart enough to stay private, then if you decide to tell someone and you trust them, then you know that that is a true friend.
FACT 5) You are a feminist but without a penis and with the respect for men. To be a successful elite escort, you have to have an air of femininity with the false pretense of sweet submission, then you draw the blade – just kidding. Seriously though, your nails are pretty, you have great skin as you no longer slave away in an office. You accept that without men, you would not be making money thus the respect and you are independent. Take note that respect works both ways and if a client is not reciprocating a warm approach, you know what to do girl. Escorts who leave this industry with a bitter view of men were most probably greedy and took every job without drawing their own boundaries. Something I would like to point out whilst we are on the subject: never ever expect an intimate relationship from a client. It’s not your fault that he’s asked to see you as this is a job for you but you should be responsible enough to keep it strictly professional. Pick an apple but don’t embarrass your self by trying to saw down the tree in the orchard – even Eve wasn’t that selfish. I don’t care if he’s unhappy in his marriage, he should seek a counsellor for solace, not an escort.
FACT 6) Your confidence soars and this doesn’t mean that you look down on men. It just means that, when you are in a bar having a nice chat to a girlfriend and a banker walks up to you and tells you about his chalet in Whistler or the latest deal he just closed, you can politely turn around and ask him to leave your breathing space. Then very graciously buy a round of Dalmore 1976 sent to his table so that he knows it’s not personal. No one like to be surprised from behind without an invitation.
FACT 7) You learn to love being original. In a world where everyone strives for perfection to the extent that every second girl in Mayfair is starting to look like the mayonnaise looking chicks from an Estée Lauder advert, people are starting to turn heads when they see something strange, yet beautiful. I saw a Korean escort with freckles and red hair. It got me confused about what my sexual orientation was.
Love yourself, because your peers won’t.